A look in the mirror

Most of the days of my life, checking myself out in the mirror was a habitual occurrence. It never bothered me, I hardly noticed how many times a day i may have actually done it. I had always been happy with how i looked (well, once i finally got my braces taken off and the whole obnoxious pre teen puberty pimple fest that went on all over my face).

I can never really remember where the moment was when i realized it. I try my hardest to think back and pinpoint the day that it happened. But somehow, it snuck up on me.

I got fat.

And not just a “omg I gained 3 pounds!!” kind of fat. I had gained 80 pounds.

Now, this isn’t really so much about me gaining a shit ton of weight, but more about my mental process as i realized it actually happened.

I’m sure whoever may read this may probably think “how can you NOT notice.”

And to those folks:

Go fuck yourself. It happens, maybe you are stressed, or worried. Maybe you are working so much you don’t get a good break. Maybe you finally hit that age where your body is like “hey, I’m not fucking helping you anymore.”

When it finally hit me that I just was just too far gone, to hope it fixed itself, it felt like my whole brain shut down.

I had someone write on a wedding picture of mine: “wow. You have really put on weight. you need to keep yourself in check, or your husband will find someone better than you.” I didn’t know whether to be angry, or hurt. I had never been called fat. In fact I’d always been more of a string bean than anything else.

In that exact moment, any confidence i once had, just went out the window. And I can remember thinking:

“Can I just rewind?”

Where the fuck am I?

I am quite sure That it’s a general rule of your 20’s to not know what the hell is going on. If it is not, someone Should definitely make it one Because being 24, is basically bullshit.

Growing up, everyone always Told me “you can be whatever you want to be.” But they seem to have left out the answer to one critical question That I really needed: Where the fuck do I even start?

Not knowing the answer to this question, has left me wandering aimlessly around like a zombie, Realizing That I barely contribute to society as a whole, other than paying my taxes.

I can remember wanting to be a veterinarian almost my entire life (aside for the brief stint of wanting to become a mermaid princess at the age of 4). Okay, so maybe i’d still really like to be a mermaid, who doesn ‘ t? But, as realistic expectations go, the ability to help every animal I could get my hands on was at the very top of my list. It started with sad animals Bringing home I found, and my mother always telling me “You can not just adopt all animals sweetie.” It came to an abrupt end When my older brother Looked at me and said, “You do know you’ll have to kill animals too right?”

No. No, i did not.  Dreams crushed.

As I grew older, I went through a long list of ever changing occupation goals and started to strongly Consider becoming a mermaid princess once again. The appeal of a fin for legs, being an incredible swimmer, a clam bra, and amazing hair really Seemed like a good decision at the time.

I can just scroll through my newsfeed and see all the people I went to elementary school with, becoming doctors, writers, and teachers. Making it agonizing for me, When people ask me , “So what do you do?”  and I answer, ” Well, I like to walk my dog. ” 

Let’s just say, I have not quite grasped the concept of how to adult yet.